


The One where the Losers are the Cast of Friends

by Brindelierre



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), But all 7 are featured pretty evenly, Eddie is Monica, Everyone is just a great friend, F/M, Friends AU, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Richie is Chandler, alternative universe, doesn't mean they're not dicks to each other sometimes though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 04:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13159032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brindelierre/pseuds/Brindelierre
Summary: The One where I rewrite episodes of friends with the Losers as the starring characters.  Set in New York in the 1990s, will Eddie and Richie get together in London? Will Bev carry her brother's triplets? Will Bill get off the plane?Chapter 1:  Richie and Stan deal with bullies, Bev tries to find her real dad and Eddie tries to avoid working at a themed diner.





	The One where the Losers are the Cast of Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so on Boxing Day every year my family watch Friends, but this year I decided to rewrite them using the Losers, because c'mon Richie is so Chandler. Whenever I watch Friends I'm always like this is who Richie would be like, not the smooth-talking flirty guy that everyone makes him out to be! Not to say I don't enjoy reading him like that, but I just don't see it. 
> 
> These won't be in any particular order as I'm just going to rewrite them when I watch them!  
> Also a few things I've decided just to make some of the storytelling make sense:
> 
> Stan's dad married Eddie's mom when they were kids so they view each other as brothers. Richie and Bill were college roommates and Eddie and Bill were best friends from high school. Richie and Mike live together as do Bill and Eddie.
> 
> Eddie= mostly Monica  
> Richie= mostly Chandler  
> Stan= mostly Ross  
> Bill= mostly Rachel
> 
> but all of them will be a mix of all the friends as there are 7 losers and only 6 friends.

“Hey guys!” Stan said opening the door to Bill and Eddie’s apartment, he grabbed the plate of spaghetti waiting for him on the table and took the free space on the couch. “Eddie, why are we watching the business channel?”

“Because I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, EFK, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.” Eddie replied smiling brightly. Bill turned to him sympathetically.

“Fucking hell Ed, we really need to get you a job.”

“Oh Eddie that reminds me!” Stan said swallowing his mouthful, “when I rang Dad this morning he said he was talking to his golf friend who could get you an interview for this job somewhere.”

“That’s it!” Bev slammed her plate down on the table. “That’s the final sign!”

Mike looked at her curiously, “sign for what Bev?”

“That I should go see my father. Like for instance, earlier I walked past this buffet called Marshall which is, you know, like MARSH, my dad’s surname.”

“That’s a bit tenuous don’t you think?” Ben replied incredulously.

“Well ok, how about they were serving franks which is his first name if you take off the ‘s’. Oh and also I saw some rotisserie chicken too!”

“Because his middle name is rotisserie?” Richie snickered.

Bev rolled her eyes back at him. “Obviously not. But I _chickened_ out of going to see him last time. It’s definitely a sign! I have to try and see him again!”.

The other losers knew that these 'signs' were Bev's way of convincing herself that she was ready to try and meet her father again and while they were apprehensive about the idea, they were pleased that she had the chance to get to know the man. They all knew that since her mum died and her stepdad had been scum of the earth that she had struggled with her lack of family.

Ben took a hold of her hand and gently stroked the back of it with his thumb. “Well if you need someone to come with you know I’m there for you.”

“Me too,” Bill said rubbing her back. She smiled slightly back at them.

“Thanks guys, tomorrow’s Saturday so I might try then if that works for you.”

Xxx

  
The next day Richie and Stan walked into Central Perk and collapsed down on their normal couch. “Man, I am so beat.” Richie huffed out.

Stan nodded his reply, “oh yeah.”

“Hey, you just want to forget about racquetball and hang out here?”

“Yeah alright.”

As Richie was about to stand to go order them some coffee, a man around their own age walked over. He was an imposing figure with a thick neck and a sneer on his face. He glared at them irritably.

“Hey, you're in our seats.” He snapped at them.

“Oh, sorry we didn't know.” Stan stood up and started to grab his and Richie’s coats. Before they could walk to another table the guy’s friend who was shorter but looking equally as menacingly came over with his coffee.

“Hey, we were sitting there.”

Richie rolled his eyes at the two of them. “Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?”

The first one stood a little taller and got a step closer to Richie. “Is that supposed to be funny? ”

Not taking the man seriously, Richie laughed again and waved his arms up. ”No actually, I was just going for colourful.”

“What's with this guy?!”  
Stan put one hand on Richie’s chest and held the other out, trying to placate the two. “Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee. C’mon Rich there’s a seat over there.” Richie gave a little sarcastic wave and started to follow Stan. However, before he reached the table he felt his hat being lifted off his head. He turned back to face the two men disbelievingly as they smirked back.

“What just happened?”

The shorter guy nudged his friend and laughed. “I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My joke is that I took your hat”

Smiling insincerely Richie replied, “Hah that, that is funny. Can I have it back?”

“No.”

Richie took a step closer to them “No?”

“No,” the taller confirmed.

Stan sensed that he needed to stop this already ridiculous situation from escalating, “Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat.”

“Why should we?”

“Because it's a special hat.” Richie turned back to look at Stan with eyes pleading him to stop. “See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, you know. Now Richie...”

Richie waved his hands in front of Stan’s face, “Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?”

The bigger man cracked his knuckles and stepped closer to Richie, who he towered over. With Richie being over six feet himself, this was impressive. “You got a problem with that?”

Looking at the man and his friend he quickly made the very brave decision to back down without a fight. “No, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. Enjoy the hat!” He smiled brightly at them and grabbed Stan’s arm and pulled him outside.

  
XXXX

  
Eddie trudged up the stairs to his apartment despondently. When he opened the door, he saw Bill and Mike sitting on the couch. Bill could sense his mood immediately and went to go greet him. “Hey, how'd the interview go?”

Turning his gloomy eyes to Bill, Eddie replied, “It bit. It was a themed restaurant. I would have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?” He sighed dramatically and put his head in his hands. Bill moved to stand behind his seat and rubbed his back sympathetically.

“So, don't do it”

“How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.”

“Something will come along soon, I’m sure of it Eddie!” Mike smiled comfortingly. Eddie didn’t have as much faith as his friends did and was about to unleash a string of predictions for his failure of a life when his step-brother and Richie walked in. Both Stan and Richie were looking at the floor and managing to look even more depressed than Eddie felt.  
” Hi” they said together dejectedly.

“Oh goodness not you two too! What's the matter with you?!” Bill asked them as he gave Stan a quick kiss on the cheek.

Richie put his coat on the hook and replied glumly, “the mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.”

Mike looked up from the television. “You’re kidding!?”

Stan wrapped his arm around his boyfriend. “It was ridiculous. You know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grownups, this kind of stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

“Oh Stan,” Bill wrapped both of his arms around Stan’s waist and squeezed comfortingly, making Stan look up at him with a soft expression and then press his lips against Bill’s.

“Hi.” He murmured.

Richie sighed and turned with his arms out as if to hug someone. “Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.” He collapsed into the chair next to Eddie who patted his arm in solidarity. Neither of them were having the best of luck at that moment. Switching the channel from the football, Mike came over to Richies’ side.

“Let's go down there and get your hat back”

Waving his hand dismissively Richie mumbled. “Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.”

Eddie was about to say something more when out of the corner of his eye he saw that the business channel was back on the television. “Hey, I went up!” He exclaimed brightly.

Bill turned to face him. “What?”

“My stock, EFK, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today.” Eddie got a thoughtful look on his face, which Richie noted usually meant he was about to have a terrible idea. “You know what, I'm gonna do it.”

Mike looked uneasily at him. “Do what?”  
“Put all my money in me!”

Bill sighed and took Eddie by the shoulders. “Eddie, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.” Eddie wriggled free and grabbed the phone and started to dial a number.

“What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls...” someone on the phone picked up and Eddie quickly turned his attention to them “Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...” his face went blank as he realised he had no clue who to ask for, “um, the stock..selling store please.”  
Richie snorted and Eddie threw a cushion at him.  
XXX  
Bev had borrowed her great aunt’s old cab again and had driven to her dad’s address along with Ben and Bill, who were both clinging to the sides as it was known that Bev was not the best driver out of all of them. This point was proven as they arrived at the house; she slammed on the brakes and both Ben and Bill were thrown forward into the pillows they had as a precaution. Ben turned to Bill with a smug smile.

“See, didn't I tell you these pillows would be a good idea?”  
In the front Bev gripped the steering wheel tightly. She felt her heart leap through her throat and she suddenly wished she hadn’t had quite such a large lunch.

“Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm going to say 'Hi birthfather'.”

Reaching through the glass to the front of the taxi, Ben squeezed her shoulder encouragingly, “We love you, we're here for you. No matter how this goes Bev, you still have a family.”

Bill rapped his knuckles on the glass to get her to turn to him. He gave he his famous winning smile, Stan had always said that it was the first thing that made him fall head over heels for him. “Yeah you’re so strong and you’ll always have us so good luck!!”

Bev sighed shakily but smiled gratefully at her two friends. She knew that they were her family but sometimes it was good to hear them say it. “Thank you, both of you.” Taking one final breath, she opened the door with her hands only shaking slightly and stepped outside.

Once she was outside Bill turned to Ben. “We’ll probably be here a while so you uh, you want some sandwich?” Ben eyed it suspiciously. Bill was known for having some rather interesting choices in sandwich fillings, peanut butter and mushrooms sprung to mind.

“What is in that?”

“Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “No no, because mayo, that would make it gross”. Bill shrugged and went to take a bite when they heard a growl from outside. In the front porch stood a small white dog that then launched itself at Bev who yelped as it started attacking her leg.

Ben rolled down the window and started yelling, “Run Bev run!”  
Bev was futilely trying to shake the dog away, “No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so want to love all animals, but please no!” She prided herself on having the patience of a saint and being the champion of all animals, but this was clearly Satan’s dog. “Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap!” Kicking her leg out viciously she threw herself into the cab panting. “Ok, alright, we have a problem”

Ben was struck by inspiration “Ok, here, I know what we can do.” He swiftly grabbed Bill’s sandwich and threw it out the window. Bill cried out and turned to Ben with a look of utter betrayal on his face.

Ben ignored him and spoke with a high voice “Ok, doggie, ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie.” The dog gave the sandwich a cursory sniff before promptly turning away. “...ok, Bill, the dog will lick himself, but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?”

Bill sniffed haughtily and unbuckled his seatbelt. “Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.”

Bev whipped her head round “Are you crazy?!”

Bill turned away from the door, “Bev, he's just a little dog.” He then screamed loudly and in a pitch that threatened his masculinity when he twisted round to see the dog halfway through the car window.

XXX

  
Richie and Stan had decided that they could not let the events of the previous day affect them as they bravely walked back into Central Perk.  
Richie poked Stan in the side, “hey!”

“What?”

“I think I’ve perfected my daffy duck impression, want to hear it?”

Stan stared blankly at him, “I’m beginning to understand why you never get sex.” He was about to return his attention to the latest edition of the New Scientist when he heard an arrogant voice from over his shoulder.

“Hey hey hey Henry, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?”

The shorter bully from the other day smacked his hands down on Richie’s shoulders, “And look where they're sitting.”

Stan scoffed at them, “You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door!”

The taller of the two put his hand on his chin in a mock imitation of contemplation, “Maybe we didn't make it clear enough.” He leaned over between Richie and Stan and patted Stan’s cheek patronisingly. “This couch belongs to us.”

Richie curled his lip at them. “Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.” Stan found himself, not for the first time, that Richie didn’t rely quite so heavily on sarcasm and jokes when confronted.

The big bully straightened up and spoke loudly “You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.”

Stan bristled. The gang had been coming to this coffee house for years now and he wasn’t about to be intimidated or forced out of it. “Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this,” he stood and walked over to the counter. “Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.” Inwardly he grimaced, that hadn’t sounded quite as pathetic in his head. Gunther seemed to agree with his self-assessment but still he said,

“Fellas, these guys were here first.”  
Suddenly the two men looked the picture of innocence. The one they learnt was called Henry replied politely, “Oh, sorry, we didn't realize.”

“There you go,” and Gunther shook his head as he went to tend to some tables.

“Thank you, Gunther.” Stan looked victoriously at the two, “We didn't want to have to go and do that.”

“He told on us?”

The big one had a face like thunder, “You told on us?!”

“Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.” Stan flicked the end of the guy’s tie and immediately regretted that decision.

“Don't play with his things.” Richie offered helpfully.

“I know.”.

The larger bully straightened out his tie and spoke in a low and threatening voice, “Alright, let's take this outside.”

Richie chuckled, “Let's, let's take this outside?” He imitated in a high voice, “who the fuck talks like that?”

“The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that.”

“You had to ask.” Stan groaned.

Richie nodded resignedly, “Yeah.”

The bullies grabbed the back of the couch and tipped it back so that Richie and Stan’s feet were dangling off the ground. Stan immediately put his hands up.

“Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.” After his younger years he had little faith in his fighting ability.

“Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.”

Richie leaned over and stage whispered into Stan’s ear, “I think you played the Gunther card too soon.”

  
XXX

  
Bev, Ben and Bill had been barricaded in the car for around three hours and in that time the sun had slowly set, and it was now dark. Bill and Ben were now quite hungry but didn’t want to rush their friend who had sat staring into the distance silently. However, Ben realised they hadn’t heard the dog in a while and it was probably safe.  
“Hey Bev, I reckon you’re good to go.”  
Bev nodded slowly, and she ran a hand through her long red ponytail.

“Yeah, I don't know.” She sighed softly.

Ben and Bill frowned at each other “What's the matter?” Bill prompted gently.

She was silent for a few moments; she had so many feelings and it was hard to put a handle on any of them to vocalise them. “I just think that this was a really bad sign, you know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold.” She fiddled with the string on her sleeve. “It's just, I have no family left. I mean except for my great aunt, you know, but let's face it, she's not going to be around forever, despite what she says. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right.”

“Yeah Bev, I completely understand.” Ben murmured.

“Whatever you need, we’re here for you. Do you want to go home?”

She took a deep breath and then smiled at her two friends. If she thought too much about how much these people meant to her she knew she would start tear up. “Ok, thanks. Sorry, again guys.”  
Ben winked at her and Bill blew her a kiss and she giggled and turned the car on. Bev pulled away from the curb and pulled forward, when there were a bump, yelp and squish and she slammed on the brakes. For a few moments everyone in the car sat frozen until Bev cleared her throat and commented innocently, “What was that?”  
Bill cringed, “well, I’m guessing that the threshold’s clear now.”

Groaning, Bev brought her head down to rest on the wheel, as the knowledge that she had ran over her estranged father’s dog sunk in.

  
XXX

  
Mike sat watching Eddie bounce around the apartment animatedly, thinking that it was way to early for that time of energy.  
“I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. Come on time is money my friend! Thank you!” Eddie hung up the phone and rejoiced loudly. Bill came out of his room and share a long-suffering look with Mike.

“Time is money my friend?”

“Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.'” Mike replied.

“Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?” Eddie pouted.

Mike waved his piece of toast in his face, “I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50” and Eddie glared at him in reply.

“How did you make $17?” Bill asked.

Eddie puffed out his chest. “Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY”

“How come those?”

“Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.” He giggled to himself at his joke and Mike thought to himself that it was a good thing that Eddie was so cute.

“What happened to EFK though?” Mike questioned.

“EFK was good for me but I dumped him. You know, my motto is get out before they go down”

Mike smirked at Bill, “That is so not my motto.” Eddie smacked him round the back of the head.  
“Ow!” Mike complained rubbing the back of his head, “you’re freakishly strong for someone so small.”  
“Don’t make me hit you again!” Eddie warned dangerously. Luckily Mike was saved from more violent assaults as Bev opened the door and greeted them.

“Hey Bev. Oh hey, how's the dog?” Bill asked after hugging her warmly.

“Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's going to be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.” She mimed high-fiving herself and then stole Mike’s toast out of his hand.

“Oh, thank God.”

“Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and the vet said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.” She grinned sheepishly and crossed her fingers.

“Ok, so Bev, now are you going to call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?” Mike asked after stealing his toast back from her. She shook her head emphatically.

“I don't want to meet my father over the phone. What am I going to say, like 'Hi, I'm Beverley, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog’.”

“Hey Bev, if you want, I'll do it.” Mike offered.

“Ok…yeah sure. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok?” Mike mimed crossing his heart and Bev reached for the phone by Eddie who snapped his head up.

“DON'T...” he paused, realising he was being a tad emotionally insensitive, “…be too long with the phone.”

Bill patted Eddie on the head, “he’ll be a much better friend when the market closes.”  
Mike dialled the phone and waited for someone to pick up, when someone did he quickly covered the mouth piece. “It’s a woman!”

“So talk to her!” Bev implored. Mike gulped and concluded that he’s not the best under pressure as the voice that exited his mouth was a poor imitation of a 1920s gangster.

“Uhh, hello Miss Marsh. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye.”

Eddie gave him a withering look. “Why the voice?”.

Mike found he couldn’t switch it off, “hard to say.”  
In the apartment across the hall Richie handed Stan a mug of boiling water.

“Your cappuccino sir.” He said in a mock British accent.

“Thank you.” They both opened their packets of cappuccino mix and poured it in.

“ You know I think this is much better than the coffee house.” Richie said as he stirred his mug and sat down by the counter.

“Absolutely.” Stan fervently agreed. There was a moments silence as they both stared into their mugs and stirred.

“How come it's not mixing with the water?” Stan enquired unsurely.

Richie picked up the packet and squinted at it. “Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle. Pick up the pace Stan.”

As they are very unsuccessfully trying to stir and drink at the same time, Ben and Mike enter the apartment and Mike shook his head at them.

“This is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from the butchers, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Mike’s there.”  
“Yeah, I’ll come too, it’ll be completely fine!” Ben offered.

Richie grinned at the two of them, “Ok great, bring Eddie too! He can be scary!”

“No!” Stan stood up from his seat.

“No?” Richie asked bewildered.

“No. I don't want to have Mike or Ben or Eddie with me every time I want a decent cup of coffee. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life drinking cappuccino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys”.

Richie’s eyes went wide, “Alright, hang on a second there Custer.”

Mike looked equally unsure, “Yeah really, Stan, have you ever been beaten up before?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“By someone besides Eddie?”

“He was a ferocious child but no, but so what? So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life, like a, like a rite of passage or something.”

“Eddie scares me enough as a fighting opponent,” Richie gulped. “Don’t really want to face people three times his size. If you want a rite of passage couldn't we just lose our virginities again? because I think actually mine's growing back.”

  
XXX

  
Later that day Bill was returning from work and he was looking forward to just festering in front of the television for a few hours. He opened the door when he was greeted by an armful of Eddie.  
“I need to borrow a hundred bucks”

“What?”

“Hi, welcome home.” Eddie released Bill and pulled him quickly inside. “I need to borrow a hundred bucks.” Bill almost started laughing but Eddie was staring him down with the look of a mad man.

“For what?”

“I've gotta get back in the game.” Bill reached out to stroke Eddie’s hair as that was normally a sure-fire way to calm him down when he got all…Eddie-like.

“Why, when did you get out of the game?”

Eddie threw his arms in the air and screwed up his face. “I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it!” Bill’s stomach dropped.

“Oh no.”

Whipping around, Eddie pointed an aggressive finger in Bill’s face, “Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.”

Grabbing his finger and removing it from his eyeline, Bill said slowly, “Look uhh, Ed I'm, I'm really sorry.”

Eddie clucked impatiently, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?”

“I, I don't have it.”

Eddie’s face crumpled, “But I need it. Otherwise, I'm going to have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes.” He sank to his knees and wrapped his arms around Bill’s stomach. “I might have to do drag, I don’t want to have to wear flame-retardant boobs.”

Bill stroked his hair again and held his head close with his free hand, “Nobody does,” he agreed.

XXXXX

Bev had stood on the porch of her father’s house for around ten minutes holding his injured demon dog for around ten minutes before she finally bit the bullet and rang the doorbell. While she was waiting she tapped her foot nervously. After a few moments a middle-aged woman with large hair styled as it would have been in the 80s opened the door.

The woman looked at Bev and then at her dog with a missing ear and a cone around his neck and shrieked.

“Schnoodle! Oh my God, what the fuck happened to my dog?”

Bev rubbed the back of her neck nervously, “It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian!”

“What are these, stitches?”

“Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him.” She wished for her mouth to stop working because that was not helping. “You know also, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long because that cone will fill up really really fast.”

The woman looked back perplexed before sighing, “Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.” She took the dog from Bev’s arms and made to close the door.

“Sure, oh, is, is Frank home?” The woman stopped closing the door and looked back suspiciously.

“How do you know Frank?”

Bev didn’t think it was a good idea to explain the full story, “Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?”

The woman nodded and then turned her head back into the house and bellowed in a deep voice, “FRANK!” Bev held her breath, this was it, after all these years of waiting. A man came into side and she deflated. This man looked younger than her, and he also looked stoned out of this world.

“Yeah. What?” The young man asked slowly.

“Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.”

“He went out for groceries,” the woman replied drily”.

Bev was beginning to regret this entire decision. “Ok so will he be back soon?”

“Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.”  
Bev’s heart dropped. Her father had done the same thing to another family, granted he stuck around 16 years longer but he was still a coward and a rotten, rotten person. She felt tears spring to eyes and she hastily wiped them away with her long sleeve.

“Alright, I'm, I'm going to go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.” She turned to leave and was fumbling with the keys to the cab when she felt a hand on her arm. Turning around she was face to face with the young Frank.

“Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?”

“Um well I don't really.” Bev replied awkwardly. “Just genetically. He's sort of my dad too.”

Frank nodded sagely but his eyes weren’t particularly focused on anything, “Heavy.”

“Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Beverley?”

Frank seemed to ponder on this for a moment before shaking his head, “No but he didn't really talk about anything.”

Bev visibly deflated, “Oh.”

Frank pondered for a few more moments as if his brain worked in slow motion, “Except stilts.”

“Stilts?”

“Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and all of a sudden, I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving because he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.”

Bev’s mind drew a blank “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“I don't know what to do with that.” She admitted.

“Me neither,” and then his eyes seemed to clear like he was seeing Bev for the first time. “So you're like my big sister.”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” She whispered.

“This is huge, you can buy me beer.”

“I'm not going to.” Even though she knew at his age she had had a fake ID for roughly 3 years. “But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'” She doesn’t know where that came from or why that she thought that was a remotely normal thing to say. However, she decided to let herself off for once, you don’t meet a long lost sibling that you had no idea about every day.

“I got a friend named Mark?” Frank supplied helpfully.

“That'll work too!”

Frank laughed, “Cool, alright. So maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or something.”

Bev felt herself smiling, “Yeah, that'd be ok. I’m in the book.”

“Ok, yeah.” There was a moment of silence, Bev knew it was her cue to get in the car, but she didn’t want this to end just yet.

“Alright. So um, stilts huh?”

“Yeah if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter!”

And for the only time in her life and possible any other person’s life, Bev couldn’t think of anything she would rather do than see where a man had hit his head on a rain gutter while standing on stilts.

XXX

Richie jiggled his knee nervously while he and Stan sat on the couch of Central Perk, looking round at the door every few seconds. Stan tried to put on a brave face.

“Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground!” He then turned to glare at the counter where Gunther was preparing their drinks, “How long does a cup of coffee take?”

Richie saw the waitress walking over slowly, carefully balancing their drinks on a tray. “Would you come on! Come on! Thank you.”

Before the cups even touched the surface, the boys were rushing to put cream and sugar in the cups and then downing the drinks in only a few gulps.

“ Ah, there we go. We did it Stan!” Richie said while hastily shoving his arms through his coat.

“I think we proved our point.”

“You burn your mouth?” Richie asked as they headed for the door.

“Cannot feel my tongue,” Stan replied seriously.

Richie could nearly taste freedom when they run into two familiar faces just outside the coffee shop.

“Bullies, big bullies.” He squeaked.

“Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.” Stan could not believe he was being bullied by someone who used weenies as a serious insult.

“Did we not make ourselves clear the other day?” The larger one sneered.

Stan cleared his throat and spoke bravely, “Yes, and that's why we're here.”

“Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently.” Richie agreed more reluctantly.

“Let's do this alright.” The smaller one started to take off his watch and Stan immediately took a step back to behind Richie.

“Woah, ho-ho, what do you have there, a weapon?”

“It's a nice watch, I don't want to break it on your ribs.” After he pocketed the watch, Richie held his fists up in front of his face feeling a little like a very lanky but uncoordinated new-born deer.

“Alright, let's do this.” He said with a confidence he didn’t possess. The others also raised their fists when Richie asked, “Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?

They paused, and Stan looked at him exasperated, “What do you mean?”

“Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.”

“No, you can't use your watch.” The big bully answered.

“Alrighty then,” and Richie reached into his pocket.

“Or your keys.”

“O-o-ok.” Richie sighed.

“Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright.” The smaller bully put Richie’s hat that he had stolen on the pavement beside them and the four took placed all their keys and watches in the hat. “Aright, c'mon man, let's do this!” He surged forwards and Richie and Stan instinctively sprung backwards into the streets.

“Before I forget, are we hitting faces?” Stan asked, stalling.

The big bully threw up his hands frustrated. “Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?”

“Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.” He was presenting his findings to a committee of ornithologists and he didn’t want to imagine how unprofessional that would look with two black eyes and a split lip.

The smaller man hesitated, “Actually, you know, uh, I’ve got to show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.”

“Ok, nothing from the neck up.” The other agreed and they all took up their fighting stances again, “Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.”

“Oh really, you guys tryin' again?” His friend asked pleased.

“Yeah! We think we’re ready for a second kid!”

“Ok, so let me just get this straight. We're strictly talking about the middle?” Richie cut in. The other two shake themselves and return to the task at hand, yelling “C'MON!”

Startled, Richie began to dance around gracelessly with his fists up, “Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standing here, huh.” His opponents and also Stan regarded this awkward noodle with what could only be called pity. Thankfully this display was cut short by a scruffy looking guy swooping down beside them and swiftly stealing the hat.

“Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff!” Stan yells after the guy now sprinting away.

“Hey!” Both Richie and the larger bully yelled at the same time. After only a moments gap, they all raced after him.

XXX

Opening the door to Central Perk, Stan high-fived the two bullies.

“God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked ass.”

The smaller man laughed and clapped Stan on the back as Richie gingerly followed behind them, nursing a swollen cheek, “what about you guys? Man you really, POW, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.”

Stan grinned back not in the slightest bit modestly, “Yeah he was, wasn't he.”

Richie warily sat down and huffed grumpily, “Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.”

Placing his hand on Richie’s shoulder the larger man said comfortingly, “Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl’s jump-rope.” Richie forced a sarcastic smile on his face and went back to dabbing at his cheek miserably.

“So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?” Stan asked delicately.

“We're ok.”

Richie perked up at that, “Ok so, can I have my hat back?”

The smaller one laughed and then said with a straight face, “No.”

Richie pursed his lips, “Huh.” He appeared to settle back into the sofa before leaping up, grabbing the hat and bolting for the door. It would have worked too, if he handed tripped and in a truly elegant Richard Tozier way, faceplanted the floor in front of them.

XXXXX

  
It had been a long night, Eddie had had to swallow his last piece of dignity and accepted the job at the diner. Thankfully he hadn’t yet been asked to do drag but he was wearing a hideous and uncomfortable fake afro and moustache. He hadn’t noticed yet, but his friends had just sat at a table and didn’t plan on leaving for the whole night.

“Look at him,” Stan said, stifling his laughs by burying his face into Bill’s shoulder.

Richie looked like Christmas had come early, there was no one he liked to mess with more than Eddie and that was a known fact, “Hey Eds!”  
Eddie froze, only one person called him Eds and he thought to himself that sweet death would be kinder than what was about to happen.

“How's it goin'?” Mike called out. Eddie waved his arms angrily at them, he was going to kill each and every one of them slowly and painfully when his shift was over.

“Nice tache!” Bev called out.

“Guys guys, check this out!” Eddie looked in horror as Richie put a quarter into the mini jukebox at the table. YMCA started to blare out in the diner and Eddie stood frozen until his manager bodily lifted him onto the counter. The rest of the staff started singing and dancing, reluctantly Eddie joined in and pointedly ignored his friends gasping for breaths between their hysterics.

Richie didn’t think he would ever be this happy ever again. He could die right then and still have led a successful life. There was now only one thing that could make this even better; reaching into his pocket he theatrically spilt a sizeable amount of coins onto the table. Bev caught his eye a grinned gleefully, “Excellent!”


End file.
